What Destroys Love?

by Fonya Lord Helm, Ph.D., ABPP

What happens in those instances when mutuality cannot be sustained and too much negativity comes into the relationship?

The wish that the lover will be able to heal all the earlier wounds and hurts is the cause of many disappointments. Bergmann (1987) describes how this expectation of the lover comes about, First, there is a refinding of repressed aspect of the parent, and then there is a recalling, which can be dim, of very early life with the mother, so that the lover is included within the boundaries of the expanding self. There is a transfer of the idealization of the self or the idealization of the parents that makes one feel that this person is perfect or at least perfect for me. Hope is then awakened that this perfect person will be able to heal all the wounds and hurts of life.

As it becomes clear that such a goal is impossible, the lovers become disappointed. If they become disillusioned, their communications go awry and they begin to misunderstand one another more and more. If the idealizations are not too great and the overall match is good, the lovers recover quickly from such misunderstandings.

Research using video tapes of couples interactions shows that stable couples say five positive statements for every negative statement, both partners answer their spouse’s bids for attention, and each partner helps the other realize the deepest dream and goal (Gottman and Silver, 1993).

A secure attachment style (Bowlby, 1980) is very helpful. If even one person in the couple had at least one parent whose behavior was relatively predictable and who was present—no early separations or losses—the relationship will have a good chance of success. When both partners are securely attached, the relationship is very likely to last. Even those couples who are insecurely attached can do well, especially if they have some understanding of what they are up against—something that can be learned from relationships, including psychotherapy. Those people with disorganized attachment styles have the most trouble. They have experienced greater trauma and are less flexible.

If the lovers become disillusioned, however, they become more aggressive toward each other than the fit of their images and styles of communication will allow, and love can be destroyed. It becomes harder and harder for the lovers to understand each other’s needs and wishes, and so instead of making the other person more comfortable, the lovers make each other feel more anxious, rejected, neglected, and unloved.

Such a lack of understanding tends to occur when one person needs to be healed in a way that conflicts with need of the other person. If both of these needs are experienced as imperative, it will be difficult for the lovers to find ways to be sensitive to each other. Serious preoccupation with one’s own needs causes problems. If the lovers have reached a certain level of maturity, they will love wisely and well (Bergmann, 1987). The lovers need to feel that they are a source of happiness for each other, that they can make the other person happy, and then they can communicate interest and liveliness.

A particular dilemma that is not easily solved occurs when the unconscious image that has to be refound has negative aspects that work against sustaining a relationship. Gourevitch (1986) has written about how a person will sometimes choose the “bad object” in spite of conscious wishes not to do so. An example would be the person who falls in love with someone who resembles an alcoholic parent. A strong effort is then made to reform the loved one because of the negative aspects of the person’s behavior, but when the loved one reforms, he or she no longer fits the unconscious image. If this lack of fit is too uncomfortable, the spouse will divorce the reformed alcoholic and marry another alcoholic.

Person (1988) notes differences between men and women, such as women’s greater comfort with surrender and the mutuality implicit in love, and men’s tendency to separate sex from love or dominate the beloved.  Differences in the psychological development of men and women, which are caused partly by bodily differences such as the ability to bear children, and partly by brain differences such as morphology and hormonal effects on neurotransmitters interact with the cultural and subcultural contexts. The effect of the environment interacts with the body and brain of the child immediately, and the effect is huge. The rhythms of caretakers have a powerful effect on the developing brain. Identifications with both men and women occur for everyone, irrespective of gender.

The specific content of femininity and masculinity can be culturally variable to a startling degree, and differences between men and women in our culture can be seen in popular fiction {Person, 1988). Popular fiction for women is romance novels, and reflects their wish for an ideal love relationship in which they are taken care of.  Popular fiction for men centers on adventure, on the heroic quest, and the confrontation of grave dangers. Encounters with women occur to provide sex, and the prize is usually a young woman who is held in captivity. Women are more comfortable with surrender than man, who are more concerned with dominance and avoiding submitting.

Some of these differences can work against developing the friendship that is the basis for developing a long relationship, when the lovers do not understand and appreciate these differences.  Having a sense of humor about them and about negativity and aggression when they appear in the relationship is very helpful in keeping the relationship going.

References:

Bergmann, M.S. (1987). The Anatomy of Loving. New York: Columbia University Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho- Analysis.

Gediman, H.K. (1981). On love, dying together, and Liebestod fantasies. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 29: 607- 630.

—– (2005). Premodern, modern, and postmodern perspectives on sex and gender mixes. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 53: 1059 – 1078.

Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N.  (1993).  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  New York:  Three Rivers Press.

Gourevitch, S. (1986). On trying to make a bad object into a good object: Reflections on resistance. Presented at the American Psychological Association, Division 39, August, 1986.

Hamilton, V. (1996). The Analyst’s Preconscious. Hillsdale, NJ: The Analytic Press, Inc.

Person, E.S. (1988). Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters. W.W. Norton. New York: Penguin Books USA Inc. 1989