Developing the Love Relationship

By Fonya Lord Helm, Ph.D., ABPP

After the lovers have fallen in love, they then begin to live out their loving relationship. We expect or at least hope that falling in love will lead to a long loving relationship that will end only in death, even though the capacity for a prolonged and sustained relationship is different from the capacity to fall in love. We usually think of one of the lovers dying first, but Liebestod fantasies, fantasies of dying together, occur often in myths, as in the love story of Tristan and Isolde (Gediman, 1981), and Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. This fantasy condenses many unconscious fantasies, one of which represents a fusion state, a recapitulation of the infant’s early bond with the mother, in which there is no separation. Occasionally, a variant of such a fusion fantasy is institutionalized, as in the Indian custom of suttee, where the widow is burned on the dead husband’s funeral pyre. In normal love, however, these fusion fantasies remain submerged and unconscious.

As the lovers’ relationship develops, the way they live it out is determined by their development before falling in love (Bergmann, 1987), making each love relationship unique. The personalities and psychological development of the lovers will determine, for example, such important areas as the ability to sacrifice one’s individual interest for the good of the lover or the couple. People in general are aware of the need for a good fit and may express it by saying that interests and backgrounds should be similar, and that the best partner would be the girl next door, or a girl “just like the girl that married deal old Dad”–as long as guilt is not too great.

When there is a good fit in communication styles, each person feels understood and is comfortable. Each person is attuned to the anxiety level of the other and intervenes quickly if the partner begins to feel anxious or uncomfortable. The response is timely and the manner is loving and congenial.  It is relatively easy to keep most of the communications positive, both conscious and unconscious communications.  Since most communication takes place outside conscious awareness–eighty to ninety per cent, a good fit is very helpful.  If the fit is not as good, members of the couple may have to consciously make their communications in words positive most of the    time.  Gottman and Silver (2015) have found in their research that stable couples have five positive communications for every negative one.

Another way of looking at a good fit is to consider it as an example of the attribution of good aspects of the self to another person, Hamilton (1981), an intersubjective as well as an intrapsychic process. The person treats the partner as if he or she were a valued part of the self. The partner then develops positive feelings because of being treated as a valued object or selfobject. Here the lovers’ idealizations of one another are working well to develop the relationship. There are different possible outcomes of idealization, however, described well by Person (1988). When the idealization represents an extreme overvaluation, or misperception, it is vulnerable to confrontations with reality. But when the valuation of the beloved is not vastly exaggerated, idealization can endure. It is important, however, not to expect idealization to be static. Anger and irritation, sometimes in response to insignificant transgressions, will cause interruptions of the idealization, which can return quite quickly in happy love.

Creativity and playfulness are ways of keeping love alive. Imagination enhances mutuality and affects the ability to play erotically. The lover wants to please and care for the beloved as much as he wants to be pleased and cared for (Person, 1988). There is reciprocity, which distinguishes adult love from childhood love. The lover can be cared for without feeling infantile because he or she is also a caretaker. Happiness is guaranteed by the ability to continue to satisfy the beloved.

To the extent that love helps a person sacrifice for another rather than just doing things for oneself, it acts as an agent of change. Love gives one a sense of direction and purpose that are lacking in isolated individuality. Lovers are no longer bound by old habits and patterns but can experience growth and change, along with a sense of richness and abundance.

As long as mutuality exists, the lovers will continue to develop their relationship and be transformed by it.

Reference:

Bergmann, M.  (1987).  Anatomy of Love.

Gediman, H.  (1995).  Fantasies of Love and Death in Life and Art: A Psychoanalytic Study of the Normal and the Pathological.

Gottman, J. and Silver, N.  (2015).  Seven Principles of Marriage.

Hamilton, V. (1996). The Analyst’s Preconscious.

Person, E.  (1988).  Romantic Passionate Love.